Alright, that's enough. This construction is more than a little ridiculous. Waiter! There's a screw in my tape!

After some screwy disassembly, we free the I/O board and find:

Realtek RTS5249 card reader controller

Texas Instruments TPS2544 USB charging port controller and power switch

Parade PS8713B single port USB 3.0 repeater/redriver